Why Is This Still So Hard for Me?

I just need to get through today.

Because tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow I will have more time.

I'll make more time.

I'll be better.

I'll wake up earlier.

I'll do the things I've been telling myself I'll do and haven't.

Maybe I'll even start working out.

I need to start working out.

I've put it off for too long.

Tomorrow.

Yes. Tomorrow.

Or maybe Monday. Monday could work too. 

The thing is, I know this trap. 

I've been saying this for weeks, months, years, maybe even decades. I know this trap and I still hear myself say it. 

Like the carrot dangled in front of me, every time I seem to get closer, it get yanked back further and further away. 

This week I sat down with my calendars. Because school. 

I had my work computer pulled up on my computer, my family calendar pulled up on the app on my phone, another tab had the school calendar. I had the to-do list of appointments and people that needed to know what when. 

And I just blankly stared at it all. 

It's so much. 

Every year. 

Heck every season, every month. 

It's so much. 

I just stare at it wondering how in the world I'm going to put all of this into all of the calendars and notify all of the people who need to be notified. 

Because lets face, calendaring, is a part time job. 

And that's just the schedule side of things. 

Because, as I'm looking at my calendar, at all the schedules, you know the things I don't set time aside for?

Showering. 

Cleaning. 

Cooking. 

Laundry. 

The things that I know I will start judging myself for the second it falls below whatever standard I have imagined in my mind. 

But looking at calendars today, I think to myself...when would these things get done? When would I actually not just have the time, but have the capacity, have the energy to do all of this? 

I don't know. I keep wondering and hoping that life will give me a break. 

And if I'm the one putting all of this on the calendar...

Then maybe I'm the reason I feel this way.

Which means I could stop it, right?

So why don't I?

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Other people manage families.

Other people work.

Other people shower regularly.

Why can't I? 

Now I'm bawling at my desk. 

Not because of the calendar but because I have somehow caused all of the pain and disappointment in my life and probably in everyone else's around me too. 

Because I am in charge. 

So that makes me totally responsible right? 

I need to just get it together. 

So why can't I? 

Other people seem to be able to. 

Just fine. 

And they don't smell like a pile of garbage either. 

So why can't I? 

After the tears have started to soak my shirt and I'm blowing my nose for the second time. I pause. 

I heave. 

I sigh. 

And I think. 

This isn't the issue. 

And what else are you supposed to do? 

You can't possibly do all of the things that your schedule is asking of you...that you are asking of you, plus look and smell put together and live in a house that looks unlived in. 

Because I want to be able to do all of these things. 

Be all of the things to all of the people all of the time. 

Have the laundry put away, remember to put a new snack in my kids backpack every day, anticipate and fill my family and friends' needs before they even know they have one. All the while having showered recently. 

But I can't. 

And I hate that. 

The thing is is I'm allowed to hate that. 

I don't actually have to like everything about myself. Including my own limitations. 

What I do need to do though, is take those limitations very strongly into consideration when I look at my calendar and set my expectations. 

Because the thing is. 

Tomorrow probably won't be different.

Neither will Monday.

Neither will next week.

Not because life won't change.

But because my capacity isn't going to magically double overnight.

My calendar probably won't be empty.

And my limitations probably won't suddenly expand.

I've spent a long time waiting for one of those things to happen.

Maybe that's why I keep feeling like I'm failing.

And if that's true...

then maybe I've been trying to solve the wrong problem all along.

And if I've been trying to solve the wrong problem...

what's the real one?

I can't answer that for you.

I couldn't answer it for myself either.

Not until I had language for the thing underneath all of this.

If you're wondering the same thing, that's exactly what the two-minute quiz is for.

Not to tell you what's wrong.

Just to help you begin seeing what might actually be going on beneath the surface.

With you,

Julia