What I Learned About My Shadow....
This is the Shadow Work Journal, the one my sister in law told me was trending and it intrigued me. I have always liked the idea of the shadow, it really resonates with me. And I love me some good psychology, bring on the Carl Jung!
I separated this book into 5 different sections or blocks to help dive into certain areas of focus that stood out to me. I was pleasantly surprised by the experience I had with this journal and am excited to share my journey with you. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
Block 1:
Pages 0-18
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people” -Carl Jung
The first block of this book walks you through what your shadow is, it is the parts of yourself you don’t like, that you have banished, wished didn’t exist, and/or don’t like to acknowledge. Shadow work is the alchemy of turning our “wounds into wisdom, our fears into courage, and our limitations into boundless potential” pg 27
A lot of this information was a bit of a review for me but I enjoyed reading though it and especially enjoyed the quotes. I enjoyed walking through the ways you can identify your shadow and when you can catch it showing up. The key is to look out for things that are causing you strong emotions and/or dissatisfaction. “Your pains & triggers can be guides to help you understand what you deeply care about, bringing you closer to your life purpose”.
Some of the things that tend to trigger me most are when I perceive that people may think I am dumb or if there is any whisper of failure on something I am engaging with. The seeds of these triggers lie in my childhood, when my mom would make fun of me and/or my siblings for not knowing things we simply wouldn’t know based on our age. I can see the logic of it now, however, the emotional experience is something that remains with me and still impacts the way I think, feel, & behave. It is my shadow coming up whenever these strong emotions arise.
“When facing your shadow it is important to small positive actions that improve your physical and mental well-being”. OK, I love this quote because it embodies the very essence of self-care for me. Taking small action steps, like drinking water or sleeping more, doing something small you enjoy (like a favorite podcast) anything that will help your body feel more balanced during this time. Pursuing your shadow may bring up memories or thoughts from your past that you no longer identify with but carry emotional weight, this can cause some dysregulation and you may not feel like yourself. I love that the author adds this at the end of page 18 “know that the discomfort will pass and you will feel like yourself again”. I can apply that to so many things in my life and is often my mantra when things are hard.
Block 2
Pages 19-53
This section is packed with lots of things I could talk about. One of my favorite parts of this section is the fill in the blank section that seems so simple and yet can lead you right to the core of your shadow, the things that still in a way haunt you. Exploring childhood experiences for me has been key in understanding who I am and why I respond the way I do. As much as I think I get away from it, there it is again, impacting the way I think, feel, and behave. I have learned that I can’t change what was but I can change how I respond to it. I no longer push it away or chastise it for being the way it is. Instead I try to treat it the way I would have wanted to be treated as a child, since that’s who is at the root, my child self.
Emotions can tell us so much about ourselves. I love being able to pay attention to an emotion and seeing where it leads me. In order to do this, practicing a concept called curious observer can be helpful. Curiously observing your emotions and thoughts has been instrumental for me to be able to treat myself with kindness and compassion.
So, going back to the fill in blank questions that I really enjoyed (is that the right word?), I think a part of me that has stuck around is that teenage version of myself. Growing up, crying wasn’t really a think that was acknowledged and often emotional responses would be made fun of and criticized. I remember once I was cutting onions apparently the “wrong” way, I became so emotionally overwhelmed, all I wanted to do was sob, that wound of not being good enough was being massively triggered. I walked to my bedroom and closed the door so I could cry, and that’s just what I did. When I was composed enough to come out, my mom was able to tell me that I needed to be more like my sister, who didn’t run away and cry every time she was criticized. Well, I had never thought of it that way before…be more like my sister who is one of your very apparent favorites? You don’t say. I’ll get right on that. Of course, the message that was received was that I, in fact, was not good enough and was not accepted as I was. My emotions were too much and not OK. The belief was reinforced and I still find myself trying to heal it to this day. Something I really value about this book is that it led me to really think about that teenage self in a new way. Where in my mind, I have been working on being kind to my child-self, I have been criticizing the teenage self, making me more angsty and rebellious then ever, hallmarks of adolescence. It is no wonder that my shadow self has continued to be prominent in my life.
Block 3
Pages 54-69
This section has all sorts of great exercises. I didn’t love the meditations but that’s OK, no two people are going to like exactly the same things, so maybe that would be something you’d enjoy. What I did really appreciate were some of the other exercises though, releasing stagnant energy, writing a letter to your past self, a gratitude list, mirror gazing, and child affirmations. The child affirmations was a great boost for me. I’ve done things like this is the past and have really struggled to say let alone believe most or any of them. This time, looking at the affirmations, I noticed that I was able to not only say but believe a lot of them! This is a testament to the power of showing up for yourself regularly. Doing this work, works. It doesn’t happen super fast (which is annoying to say the least, I can be a very impatient person when it comes to my goals) but it does happen and it feels really good to see progress. Progress happens so often when we aren’t paying attention to the outcome but to staying consistent, keep on going. Some of the affirmations I was able to agree with now are
“I am loved”
“I deserve happiness”
“I am beautiful and accept myself for who I am”
Some of the affirmations I am still working on are
“I love myself”
“Setting firm boundaries is easy for me”
“I release the feeling of guilt, hurt, & shame”
I will continue to work on those and even though it may take me my whole life to reach agreement with them, or not, I know I will get better with each step I take toward that goal. And that’s really the point.
Block 4
Pages 70-125
Full disclosure, I skipped the breath work, I was in the midst of coughing anytime I did, well anything, so I skipped this part. But if you are in a place to do it, I do recommend it, breath work can be so calming and freeing. What I really enjoyed about this section were all of the journal prompts. Again, I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years so I wasn’t expecting much and I got so much out of it. I went at a pretty quick pace going through this part, partly because I was on a roll and had the momentum and partly because it was kind of fun to learn some things about myself that unlocked some mysteries. We don’t get an owners manual about ourselves when we are born, so this is a great way to learn about how yourself. I really valued the part that walked you through anger, because anger is one of those emotions that I have had a complicated relationship with. Growing up, my mom was a very angry person and expressed essentially every emotion through anger. I never wanted this kind of experience for my kids. So, the easy solution would be to not get angry, right? Except I can’t do that. I get angry. And I show it, sometimes in really unhelpful ways. So, I have done a lot of work around anger and have come to realize how beneficial and important of an emotion it really is. I don’t want to repress it, I want to notice it and see what may be under it. Is it a boundary that is being crossed? Is there an old wound that is being triggered that I was to protect? Am I tired? Hungry? Sick? What do I need right now? These things don’t get rid of all anger and it doesn’t shift all of the unhelpful behaviors associated with anger, but they do help. I still struggle with getting snippy and wanting to run away and hide when I’m angry. Emotions were not safe to express in my house growing up so it makes sense that I wouldn’t feel safe expressing them now, but it is important that I don’t run away and hide from the people I want relationships with. One of my biggest fears is not having a good relationship with any of my kids because of the way I treated them, basically, what has happened to my mom. I want to show up to them with respect and kindness, and the same for my partner. Pushing him or anyone else away isn’t helping me reach my goal of connection and community. So figuring this out remains a priority.
Block 5
Pages 126-223
The last section of the book has more journal prompts and a section that allows you to “get to the root of your shadow” meant to be used in an ongoing way.
The themes that came up for me was how much I value my ability to keep going, keeping trying…perseverance and ambition is something that has been a constant in my life and something that I can be thankful for from the past versions of myself. It’s so interesting because I have had people tell this to me about myself but it still felt like a new revelation to me. The brain works in weird ways. I have a feeling that if I went to the closest people to me and told them these revelations they may look at me like I have two heads, like how would I not know these things about myself already? But the truth is is that we often don’t see the things in ourselves that are so obvious to other people. A couple big triggers for me are being interrupted when I’m in the zone and feeling misunderstood. That teenage self is once again front and center. I remember feeling that was so often as a teenager and I would say I was somewhat aware that it bothered me when I experienced this, but to the degree that it impacts me really was informative and opened up new curiosity for myself. It does make sense given my childhood, I don’t think what I said was heard or understood, especially being talked over, a common occurrence in a house full of kid. But not feeling like anyone actually even cared that they would or could understand me. I often felt and feel like I am the only one in my family like me. And for so long I felt like that was such a bad thing. I felt like I didn’t belong and certainly wasn’t accepted. While I still don’t know about the accepted part, I don’t feel accepted in any case, I do recognize that the very things that set me apart are the strengths I can offer and give me a place within my family, or any other group for that matter, if I can be brave enough to show them. It is a constant struggle and an ongoing opportunity for growth.
Let’s sum it up:
While I can’t tell you everything the book has in it and all of the wonderful locks these keys opened for me (because it would be super duper long) I can tell you that it is a wonderful resource and really gets to the root of some stuff in what I feel was a gentle way. I could see how it could be overwhelming for someone who is new to exploring the deeper parts of themselves, but going at a gentle and slow pace would help that.
What did you learn about yourself in this journey?
Did anything I say resonate with you?
Was this helpful for you in anyway? Here’s my challenge to you, share this with 3 friends and talk with them about what came up for you. Ask them what came up for them.
As always I’m here. Please take good care of yourself,
~Julia