The Most Embarrassing Thing Happened (A TTC Story)
Trying to Conceive (TTC) can be met with all sorts of feelings, they are all OK, just need to be processed differently based on what emotions come up.
My TTC journey was not what I expected or would have wanted, but I did end up with my two beautiful baby boys. They were and are worth every tear.
In my quest to get pregnant we tried so many things. And if you know me you know that when I get something in my head I’m like a dog with a bone as they say. Persistent. Tenacious. Stubborn. And I will try most anything to reach my goal. My goal was pregnancy. And I didn’t know what was wrong I just knew it hadn’t happened and for most of the people I knew who had gotten pregnant, it happened within 4 months of trying or just not abstaining.
Well, one particular attempt will stand out in my mind and serves as a reminder of how much I wanted my babies. There are a lot of tips and tricks out there to try to get pregnant and this was before we qualified to meet with an infertility specialist. So, you know a menstrual cup? OK OK, already this doesn’t sound good. Well you have your male participant deposit his um specimen into the cup. Then you stick it on up there and you are supposed to absorb the specimen.
I had never used a menstrual cup before, they had just been gaining popularity at the time. So I watched some tutorials on how to get it in and out and how to open it and all that.
I did what I needed to do.
Waited the allotted time.
And spent a good 30-45 minutes trying to get it out. I mean it was stuck. It did suction really well. It reminded me of when I lost a tampon up there and didn’t want to have to go to the ER. I was sore you guys. But aha! I got it out. And it was still full.
So. I didn’t get pregnant that month either.
It was a long and difficult journey and I am so honored and lucky to say that my journey had an end that resulted in my babies.
I wish I had known some things before I started this journey. And to be honest, I still wish it didn’t have to be such a journey. But it was and is and is forever a part of my story. I hope my babies know how much they are wanted.
Here’s what I would have told myself all those years ago. And here’s what I wish I had the ears to hear back then.
Set realistic expectations. Don’t base your journey on someone else’s. Always easier said than done.
Your worth and your womanhood is not based on your ability to get or stay pregnant. I didn’t think this would even be a thought in my mind when I started, but there it was lurking under the surface.
Doctors are guessing. Yes, they are educated guesses, but take what they tell you with a grain of salt, so little is known about female health, especially around pregnancy.
Miscarriages are common. They are not your fault. You can have a healthy pregnancy after them. Bonus: Dr.’s see them all too often and so don’t take them as impactfully as you feel them. Find the right Dr.
Your cycle is full of secrets you never knew to look for.
BONUS: There are more people out there struggling with this than you can even imagine. It’s OK to be counted as one of them, even if you don’t want to be. They are there and so ready to help and support you. It’s one of those clubs that nobody wants to be a part of but you’re glad someone else is there too.
Find your community. Find your community. Find your community.
Even if it’s online, on social media, or a bunch of random women from your local infertility treatment center. Being around people who get it and are walking in tandem with you, is so helpful. It was literally a lifeline for me.
When you are TTC, your cycle can feel like an eternity. Wait for your fertile phase. Go time. Annnnnd now wait an excruciating 2 weeks to find out if you are pregnant. And for many of us, begin a new grief cycle when you find out you aren’t.
You guys, TTC is really hard emotionally. It’s so hard. And it’s not talked about enough. 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with infertility, but even more women are struggling with the longing and disappointment of trying to have a baby. And we feel so alone.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
My partner and I chose and had the privilege to go through all the tests to figure out what was going on. We were both in our 30s so there was a concern for timing, even though there isn’t a magic age where we all have diminished fertility, it becomes more likely for many people as we get older overall. What came back was frustrating and disheartening, unexplained infertility was the diagnosis. They could find nothing wrong, we just weren’t getting pregnant. We had the choice and the privilege to start infertility treatment, but as we were starting down this path, before treatment even started, I found out I was pregnant, an annoying but joyous theme that would continue in our pregnancy journey.
The infertility community is a wonderful, frustrating, demoralizing, encouraging space where you can almost always find something else to try, whether it works or not, hence the menstrual cup idea. It is full of emotions and tips as we try to figure this thing out that other couples don’t ever have to struggle with. I wish nobody had to be in that space, but I am so glad other people are there with me.
When I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was in shock. But I tried to play it cool. You know women get pregnant every day. Nothing special. But it was. It was so special. And I waited so long for it, not as long as other women, but so long. And that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter how long you have been trying. If you are having a hard time, it doesn’t matter. You’re allowed to have your feelings about it and they are valid. Just because you may not qualify for an infertility diagnosis doesn’t mean you aren’t going through IT. The same is true for miscarriage.
I was 8 weeks and 1 day.
There was no heartbeat.
I had woken up to blood and one of my biggest fears was becoming a reality.
Why me? Why my baby? Why does it happen at all?
Losing my first baby was one of the hardest things I have gone through. I still mourn the babies I will never get to hold. It was emotionally and physically painful and the recovery took a long time. It would be a long time after that that I would get to see another positive pregnancy test and what felt like an eternity later that I got to meet my sweet beautiful baby boy.
Have you had a miscarriage?
Miscarriage can be such an isolating experience that can be fraught with shame. And because people don't know, there isn't much support that we get when it happens.
The truth is is that 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage (that's reported) and many women (🤚) experience more than one.
Here's what I would have wanted to know before I went through my first miscarriage:
Caveat: Providers see miscarriage so often they often don't give you the information you need or the support you need
· You are allowed to grieve in whatever way feels right for you
· You are allowed to name the baby if that feels right
· It is physically painful & can take days, if your body is able to do it on it's own. If it can't, there are other options
· No matter when a miscarriage occurs, it is painful and impactful
· Your baby matters
· Each experience can be different
· Ask for support
· You did nothing wrong
· You can have a pregnancy that results in a healthy, living baby afterward
8w1d 💔
5w1d 💔
I chose to name my first baby, but chose not to name my second.
I chose to have memorial stones & ornaments for both.
After my first miscarriage, I chose to tell some few trusted people right away, so I would have support throughout the pregnancy and in the event something happened again, which it did. There is no right time to tell people you are pregnant, tell them when you are ready, whether that's at 3 weeks or 20.
The point isn't to grieve in any specific way, the point is to grieve in whatever way you find healing.
You are not alone. I'm here. You have support. You & your baby matter. Healing does happen.
If you resonate with any of this, I wish I could give you a hug, and I not a big hugger. I know this is so hard. But you are not alone. I’m here. And so are so many other women. Find them.
Did you find this helpful? Know someone else who will too? Share it with them, then find a spot to cozy up and have an honest conversation about what’s going on with each other.
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Until we chat again, please take good care of yourself,
~Julia