Why does everything have to be a thing?

I want Halloween to feel like Halloween again.

Well, not my Halloween because that would mean I'd be crawling around on my floor in the dark trying to pretend nobody was home, scared shitless because it's the "devil's high holy day."

But the Halloween I always thought other people had.

The kind where the leaves are falling gently in all different colors in crisp and chilly fall air.

The kind where kids are dressed up in costumes and giggle walking down the street with buckets or pillowcases, collecting candy with their friends or family, yelling "trick or treat" through smiles that almost seem to burst out of any mask.

The kind with cozy blankets and hot cider and movies with just the right amount of spooky.

So, here I am, an elder millennial in a toxic love-hate relationship with my hot glue gun, trying to make it happen.

Because, as it turns out, magic happens, if at all, through effort. Painstaking or otherwise.

And look, I don't even know who this person is.

I don't even like crafts.

But I so badly want that feeling.

And I want my kids to have it too.

I want to feel the magic and excitement of the day.

I want it to be special and meaningful and to have traditions we can all look forward to every year.

And I want to have fun.

I want to be a part of it, connected, in it.

Not just the behind-the-scenes grunt labor.

Is that even possible?

I feel like for every magical moment there is a price tag.

And I think I know what it is up front. So I pay it.

Only to be met with additional charges during and after, making me wonder if it was even worth it to begin with.

Maybe I just need to be the support person and not try to enjoy it too because I am just so tired.

But also, if I'm doing the work, I want to be able to enjoy it.

How?

What am I doing wrong?

[what's under this for you button]

You know, one of the things about Halloween that I like so much is that everything seems so optional.

Until it's not.

Until it's the thing we always do.

And we did it last year.

And can't we make it better?

And what else can we add to make it even more magical?

Even when it doesn't seem like it's that big or that much on the outside.

My mind is spinning with all of the possibilities, imagining what we could make with this cardboard box.

Don't throw anything away!

We need that toilet paper roll!

And it's all just too much.

But how much of that is mine?

What of that can I control?

I don't want to miss out.

I don't want my kids missing out. I missed out on enough for us all, in my opinion.

So how can I say no?

Even to my own ideas.

And how can I be okay with leaving something...a costume, a decoration, an event...in its more plain, imperfect form?

Because if I could do that, wouldn't I be able to enjoy it more?

So why can't I let it go?

And why does every thing have to be a thing for me?

Can I enjoy something even if it isn't worthy to be on Pinterest?

Logically, I know the answer is yes.

But emotionally, I still feel like every thing I create is not just a thing to be enjoyed, but a thing to use as evidence for or against my value and worth as a person.

Am I a success in life?

Well, does my Princess Peach costume look put together?

Apparently that's the evidence I'm using to determine if I'm worth a damn.

That and the giant Boonana now sitting in the corner of my dining room.

Because if it was just the one costume, that may even be achievable.

But it's not just that.

It's every single thing.

Every thing I do.

Everything I say.

Every relationship I have.

Every role I play.

And if I'm not 100% who I'm supposed to be and the thing I produce isn't 100% portraying me in the way I want to be portrayed...

I'm a failure.

Or a loser.

Or a terrible person.

Or whatever. But basically a worthless piece of shit.

And you know what?

I do this all the time.

All the time.

I don't even know I'm doing it until I'm feeling really shitty about myself and I walk it back.

To a Boonana.

Again, logically, I know this sounds silly.

But it feels so heavy in the moment.

And it's supposed to be fun.

Fun.

Magic.

That's where all of this started.

I wanted to feel the magic and fun of a holiday I never got to experience.

And it's become something so entirely different that it feels worse than a chore.

Because it's so unnecessary and truly optional.

But I do want to do it.

I'm just miserable doing it?

But I wasn't miserable when I started.

And maybe I just don't actually like crafts.

But that's not it either.

I mean, I usually don't, but I actually have been enjoying it lately (which is weird).

Enjoying it.

Yes.

I guess I have been enjoying it.

It's not that magic or joy I'm after.

And I don't think I need to settle and say this is as good as it gets.

But I wonder if I could embrace the enjoyment more and just leave it when I'm no longer enjoying it.

Just leave it.

The idea is uncomfortable.

But also feels right.

Like if I could just focus on the fun of it.

I know I'm still the adult and need to do the adult things, but maybe there's something to focusing on the fun of it.

Hu.

-Julia