What if I actually am just lazy?

I can't get to my coffee maker fast enough.

The golden liquid drops into my cup at what seems slower every day.

For as much sleep as I got, I feel like I should be well rested.

But it doesn't seem to matter if I choose to spend my non work hours awake or sleeping.

The fatigue hangs heavy on my eyes, on my limbs, I'm dragging my feet to take each effortful step.

I can't wait to go back to bed.

Somehow I have to make it through the day first.

Do the things.

Talk to the people.

Solve the problems.

I feel like I want to explode.

Or cry.

Or both.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm willing to work.

I take my responsibilities seriously.

I'm conscientious about the work that I do.

And everyday, before the work hours are even done, I'm ready to collapse.

It's not sustainable.

How do people do it?

And why can't I?

[find out what's underneath it for you]

I've tried so hard to figure it out.

And change the things I can.

And at some point, this point maybe, I just can't help but wonder if I'm just making excuses for myself.

What if...I actually am...just lazy?

Because if I wasn't, if there was a reason for this lack of motivation, this exhaustion, this lack of ability to be on top of my shit...wouldn't I have found it by now?

Wouldn't somebody have?

Wouldn't there be some sort of resolution to all of this?

But I can't figure it out.

No matter what I try.

What I research.

How many bubble bathes I take.

I can't figure it out.

And I'm used to being able to figure things out.

I'm good at that.

I can figure it out.

For everyone else.

So, if I can't figure it out.

Can't find a solution.

Can't make anything stick.

Then am I just failing?

And for no good reason.

If this was something that could be fixed.

I'd have fixed it.

If it was something that was as simple as relaxing or planning better or meal prepping or whatever.

I'd be better.

I'd have motivation.

And feel joy again.

I'd be able to live my fulfilling life.

And feel fulfilled.

But I don't.

I feel overwhelmed

and underwhelmed.

Overstimulated

and bored.

But what does it mean to be lazy?

If that's what I am.

What does that even mean?

Well.

I looked it up.

The dictionary says this is what being lazy means

"disinclined to activity or exertion : not energetic or vigorous"

"encouraging inactivity or indolence"

"moving slowly"

"droopy, lax"

"placed on its side"

"not rigorous or strict"

"to move or lie lazily"

And you know what?

I'm struggling to see what's so wrong with being any or all of those things.

Am I okay with moving slowly?

Yes.

Am I okay with not being rigorous or strict?

I pride myself on it.

Am I disinclined to activity or exertion?

No.

Am I okay with not being energetic or vigorous or encouraged inactivity?

Yup.

I don't know.

The thing that I feel like is missing from this is the feeling.

That feeling of I don't know...judgement...guilt...I don't really know because looking at this definition I just don't see what's wrong with being lazy.

Yet I feel it.

I feel the wrongness of it.

Almost like an entitlement. Or being selfish.

But that's not being lazy. That's being entitled. Or selfish.

I don't know.

But it's almost like I use it as evidence to support my not being good enough.

Oh that again.

That old friend of mine...that old pain in the ass of mine.

But it's almost like I use it as evidence to support my not being good enough.

Oh that again.

That old friend of mine.

That old pain in the ass of mine.

Because the feeling is familiar.

Lazy.

Not good enough.

Almost like one proves the other.

See?

This is why you can't keep up.

This is why everyone else can do this and you can't.

This is why no matter how hard you try, you're still here.

Both the reason and the character assassination.

One supporting the other.

And I know this one.

I know this feeling.

I know it doesn't take much for it to find me when I'm already tired.

And yet.

Even in knowing all of that.

I don't know that this is going to be one of those words that I can reclaim as something positive for myself.

But I do wonder if it's really the insult or judgement I'm making it out to be.

Is that enough to let it go?

To stop using it on myself as some sort of threat to keep going, keep producing, keep moving?

It still feels threatening somehow.

Even logically knowing it doesn't seem bad.

The feeling lingers.

Okay.

So maybe I can say I'm okay with being lazy for now.

Just for now.

For this season.

Rest is needed.

More rest than I want.

Do less than I want.

Less than what's needed.

I can't be everything to everyone.

Fine.

Grrrr. Annoying.

But fine.

Except how long is this supposed to last?

Because I keep thinking motivation is waiting around the next weekend. Or week. Or month. Or year?

And I'm not saying I don't get pockets of it.

I do.

But I still feel like I'm sitting squarely in "lazy" status.

And the things I know as a therapist....

1. Life continuously is asking too much of us. Of me.

2. The nervous system registers stress way before we do, I do, consciously.

3. When we, I, have lived life in a state of stress for a long time, it takes a long time to unwind it.

4. I can't go back to living the same way as I did before.

5. I have to live slower. Maybe even, more lazily.

Fuck.

-Julia