Why Do I Always Feel Like I'm Failing

I'm just trying to enjoy my coffee.

Today it's hot coffee, which always feels like a risk.

It's only hot for so long.

It creates this weird sort of pressure to enjoy it now.

And I actually do want to.

Because hot coffee also has this comfort and coziness about it that I really crave on these mornings off.

Off.

Whatever that means these days.

My off days have become more exhausting than my work days.

But I still try to get even just a few moments where I can feel like I am actually off and it's actually the weekend.

The kind of weekend you imagine when you think of the weekend.

Not the kind that it often actually is.

I feel like I almost need to face the window to enjoy my coffee.

Not because I enjoy the view that much. I mean, I like it just fine.

But it's not the view I'm really wanting.

What I'm really wanting is an escape.

An escape from the mess in front of me.

Toys on every surface.

Crumbs.

So. Many. Crumbs.

A reminder that the floor hasn't been mopped.

And the laundry needs to be picked up.

And when did I even last vacuum, let alone dust?

And then there are the endless things I feel like I need to do before I even get to cleaning the house.

The groceries need to be ordered.

That gift needs to be bought, and I need a birthday card. Do I have any that will work?

Shoot. I think I used the last of the wrapping paper.

I need to order that.

Is there anything else I need?

Diapers. Paper towels. Cleaning products.

When will I actually get to clean?

I really need to dust.

Did I text my friend back?

How long have I sat on that text?

A week?

Ugh.

Will I ever get to be a good friend again?

Why can't I seem to get it together?

When did I shower last?

Oh my god.

I am so overwhelmed.

I'm still looking out the window. But the trees in the distance are clouded now by the tears in my eyes.

Why do I always feel like I'm failing?

Why can't I seem to just do the things I need to do?

But it's not that simple.

I know this.

I know it.

Yet.

I still want to get it done.

The truth is, my life isn't just full of needs.

It's full of wants, too.

I want to have a clean house.

I want to text my friends and spend time with them.

I want to take a shower.

So giving up any of those things for another need—let alone another want—

Well.

It makes me sad.

Like I'm constantly sacrificing something.

Mmmmm.

That lands.

I do feel like I'm constantly sacrificing.

Constantly letting something go.

Something that I wanted.

And that just sucks.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of having to let go of hanging out with a friend because I have Physical Therapy.

And I really do want to go to Physical Therapy.

I want to work on my back pain. I've been waiting so long.

I just wish it wasn't a trade-off.

I wish I could do it all.

And work out.

Because that's the sign of being able to do it all.

Right?

The truth is, I'm sad.

I'm sad that I have the limitations that I do.

I'm sad that I can't seem to be the friend, wife, mom, therapist, soccer mom, daughter, sister, writer, school mom, house cleaner, cook, and whatever else that I want to be.

And sometimes I get angry about it, too.

And I guess that makes sense.

It's a loss of sorts.

A grief.

I don't think anyone has it all.

But I sure want to be the exception this time.

I want to show up and be physically and emotionally available to everyone and still have a mopped floor.

I want to consider people and still be on time for soccer practice with a healthy meal in my kids' tummies.

And I hate recognizing that I can't.

I can't do it all.

I do have to choose.

And I have to say that, for today, for this time—however long this time lasts, which is also frustrating—this is what I can do.

This is who I can be.

I can hope the gaps get filled.

And if they don't, I can be sad about it.

And angry about it.

But that doesn't mean I'm a failure.

I do think there are things that steal my energy.

That's true.

Sometimes my depression comes for an unexpected visit.

Sometimes my ADHD is more pronounced than usual.

And sometimes I don't even know what's going on.

But, man.

There has to be something else going on here, right?

[Find out what's actually going on →]

Sometimes I think it would almost be easier if I could just allow myself to be a failure.

Maybe then I'd actually get a break.

But I keep trying.

Exhaustion and overwhelm along for the ride.

And I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not a failure.

I'm a person who's trying.

—Julia